How not to write Fan Fiction
by Xallisto
Summary: A guide in how not to write fanfiction. in the most slapstic and funny way i can muster. Very Bad Language.


Disclaimer. I don't own Naruto. Or a fat lot else.

How to get along in Naruto Fanfiction.

If your an aspiring Naruto fanfiction writer then you should be made aware of certain holes that a lot of writers around here seem to fall into, And I have taken it upon myself to detail these pitfalls in as comedic way as I possibly can.

Now bare in mind that I don't have any experience in writing anything really and my grammar is likely to be very low standard.

So here goes.

_(italics) _my thoughts inside stories.

**Chapter 1. _Get fucking on with it or be original for fuck sake.._**

Now those of us who have been here a while like myself with often find our scrolling down the lists of Naruto fan fiction and come across something like.

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**Hyuuga Naruto – Epic God Fucker ** By **A. Tard**

_Naruto bla bla bla bla watch as he becomes a legend that even the shinigami shits his kegs over._

**Rated: K+ - English – Action/Adventure - Chapters: 408 - Words: 2,141,776 - Published: 15-3-08 Naruto U.**

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2 million words eh, impressive.

Intrigued we click.

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Chapter 1. A Bloody Arrival

it was dark, and the leaves were rustling. The moon hung forebodingly in the sky. Like the sword of Damocles._(seriously mixing mythology?) _A sick florescent light danced across the masks of 2 ANBU standing guard. They were in guardianship of a cave. Inside this cave a woman was giving birth. The sounds of extreme pain could be heard echoing through the dark foreboeding passage. But the 2 guards dare not move because they were ANBU and they were elite. The most elite, elitist, force in the world nobody could stand up to their elite might not even the 9 tails its self could stop them. They were like warriors from the ancient times endowed by the blood of the immortal they were eliiteisteical _(Thats not even a real fucking word)_

Thud

Thud

2 thuds could be heard on the floor, a man stood over their lifeless and now headless corpses with a swirly swirly mask. He was a tall dark figure, he was dark, the most dark darkest force in the world nobody could match his might was unmatched he was the darkesteicalest ninja on the planet. _(FUCK OFF)_ he checked the near by area and noticed a complicated 1024 Pentagrams unilateral quardraxical (_WTF is quadraxical?) _Nexus Array super seal.

**Technique:** 1024 Pentagrams unilateral quardraxicalnexus array super seal.

**Effect:** short range simple monitoring seal

**Type:** Recon

**User: **Namikaze Arashi _(Oh, fuck off with the justu shit and HIS FUCKIN NAME IS WRONG)_

**A/N I decided to go with arashi cause I liked it better hehe _(_**_fuckin die...)_

"Accursed Yondaime Hokage" he said

The swirly masked man stepped back and drew up his own 1027 unpenagamaical ilateral quntrazticals nexus unbinding seal.

Inside the cave a woman in severe pain in lying on a bed screaming in immense pain, next to her is a blonde haired man said to be the greatest ninja who ever lived. his name was Arashi.

Naruto could see a dim light _(conscious thought?) _the ground underneath him was soft and wet like nothing he had ever felt before there was a strange contracting force that was pushing him towards the light he could hear muffled screams as if they were coming from all around him.

as he got closer and closer to the light he felt scared, he did not want to leave this warm safe place. but the force was too strong, he got closer and closer and closer to light.

"Hes nearly here" said an elderly woman

and with a sickening squidgy slplisshy sound Naruto arrived into the word covered in blood._(OMFG!)_

Meanwhile in Sunagakure the Yondaime Kazekage Sabaku no Sabaku was pacing up and down his rather grand sitting room it wasn't modest by any stretch of the imagination it was a rather long room and what it didnt have in lenght it made up for in width.

_"just like something else i have..."_ he mused

there was a grandfather clock in the corner that was made out of the finest wood in sunagakure which explained why it looked so shit because Sunagakure was a desert, but such trivial things did not matter to the Kazekage because he had width where it mattered. there was no opponent he could not get the better of because he knew how to make 3 inches count when it mattered.

Back in the cave

Suddenly a man appeared, a dark dark man, the darkest in all the dark places in the dark dark world. he was beholden by the darkness like a snake with wings._(WTF?) _

Meanwhile in Iwagakure...

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At this point we will often think this looks like it could be a long 1st chapter and scroll down to the bottom only to realize that this 1st chapter is actually 50 thousand words long and inevitably ends with "Konoha Civilian Council" (fanfiction authors favorite "fuck narutos life up" plot device. Even though such a thing doesn't actually exist in manga or anime or anywhere) and they will throw out the usual fan fiction jibes "kill the demon", "cut of his little dick", "lets kill him and rape him", "insert increasingly severe civilian council members insult here".

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Then ordinarily someone usually the 3rd every so often its Hiashi.

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"the child will not be killed, he is a hero" said Hiashi

the other council members look at him with surprise some with outright disgust, whilst Danzo sits in the corner biding his time, waiting for the right time to strike. he was sly, the most sly slipperyest force in the world nobody could match his might was unmatched he was the slippyesteslest ninja in the known universe.

"Hiashi, is correct" said Hiruzen Sarutobi looking more weary than he had ever been.

Danzo saw Hiruzens moment of weakness... and attacked much to the shock of the council he was able to kill the 3rd hokage in a single blow _(OMFG theres hope yet) _instantly regretting his decision he used Izanagi to warp reality so that the event never occurred _(wtf he should not have that ability till sometime after the uchiha massacre)_

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Eventually they will come to a conclusion fan fiction favorites and by favorites I mean shit ones are as follows.

**Naruto Gets Banished**

**Naruto Gets Adopted**

**Kakashi Takes Naruto off To Train **

**Kakashi Takes Naruto to Irukas house and they live as a big gay happy family and they both end up fucking naruto anus till it prolapses** – yes this **seriously sick shit** does exist here in fan fiction and we will get to Yaoi Fics in another chapter if I can actually be encouraged to get there.

**Naruto Leaves with Jiraiya**

And finally my favorite

**Nothing changes.**

Why make us read a 50 thousand word 1st chapter detailing more than Kishimoto could ever muster and change nothing. Seriously why? or just change very little or add totally irrelevant shit to October 10th.

_**IN CONCLUSION**_

**If your going to make serious changes to narutos birth then make them and take your time write it well and be as lengthy as you want. if your only going to make token fucking changes then keep it fucking short those of us reading this your shit the very ppl you beg reviews off have already read this in the manga they have already read 300 variations of it on fan fiction. We don't need to read another one.**

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**I hope you liked reading my 1st 50k word chapter of hyuuga naruto the god fucker he he I hope u love all my characters _(_**_You didn't fucking add any u stupid cunt_**_) _and the fact that I wasted the last 3 hours of your life reading shit you already actually knew and changed 0.5% of.**

**please please please review it inspires me to write faster please please please my ego needs stroking squeeeeeeeealll **

**A. Tard aka Twlightl0v3r**

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Yeah so dont bother reviewing if u dont want seriously I dont care if u do or not im just here venting my frustration at the idiosyncrasies of the naruto fan fiction community. I hope you can at least find a chuckle or 2 in here. Though if you do feel the need to post a review and have your own gripe about this place if I agree with u ill likley do a chapter on it.

If I do actually ever do another chapter. It will likley be similar to this if I do I may incorperate it right into this one.

Look out for

CHAPTER 2: FUCK OFF WITH THE 50,000 CHAPTER WAVE ARC.


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